When You Should Talk During Sex


Vocalizations of any kind during sex can be a subjective subject. Some people can’t imagine being quiet, while others might roll their eyes at how loud someone else is being. So here are some pros and cons to consider about when you might want to be vocal, and when you might want to stay quiet.


Giving Direct Feedback

  • Pros: Your partner can sometimes need to know something in that moment, whether it’s “That hurts!” or “Yes, keep going. I like that.” You shouldn’t expect him or her to know what you’re feeling or thinking, not even if you’ve been together for some time. Your body reacts in an individualized way, which can vary depending on the day and what else is going on. No amount of experience or comparison can take the place of verbally sharing what you feel. (And even if you feel your body language is making things abundantly clear, it might not be as clear to your partner, especially if they’ve closed their eyes or are busy being blown away.)
  • Cons: Talking too much about what you want in the moment can feel like a to-do list, suggesting that your partner doesn’t currently measure up or that the moment is all about you. So while some verbalization is definitely helpful, too much can cause the sexy spark to sizzle.


Nonverbal Responses

  • Pros: Groans, moans, and the rest of the range of nonverbal reactions can definitely communicate your delight and enjoyment to your partner in a quick, unobtrusive way that doesn’t detract or distract from whatever else is going on.
  • Cons: If this is your “go-to” method for communicating a good time, it might lead to confusion, especially if your partner doesn’t respond in a similarly vocal manner. You might worry that he or she isn’t enjoying something because they’re not responding, when in reality, they just respond differently. So actual, verbal communication might still be necessary—possibly at a later time—to make true communication happen. (Plus, depending on your location and your partner, distinct verbal responses might be seen as “telling the whole world what you’re doing.”)


Just Talking

  • Pros: Sometimes, sharing about your day, your feelings, or your thoughts can be part of the intimacy, to where sex becomes a chance for physical, emotional, and verbal honesty and closeness, especially in the moments leading up to intimacy.
  • Cons: Talking just to talk can be seen as a distraction or a way to procrastinate. If you need to talk, you might want to make that clear as a separate concern, explaining that you need to clear your head of distractions so you can pay attention to your partner afterwards. But if your partner feels like he or she is less important than your need to talk, it can make them less excited about the sex that is to follow.


Ultimately, the question of “to talk or not to talk” is between you and your partner. If he or she would prefer less, you can always try to channel some of your verbal or nonverbal responses into physical actions instead. You both want to find a compromise you can feel comfortable about; sex is about being together, and should be as free of little annoyances as possible, but you still want to leave room for spontaneity and being yourself.

12 thoughts on “When You Should Talk During Sex

  1. I love a good balance of all these things. I’ve suffered from a lack of communication in my previous relationships so I’m enjoying plenty of vocalisation in all its forms. Great blog!


  2. It’s important for you and your partner to talk about talking! Just as there are different love languages, everyone has different expectations in bed. Why do we find it so difficult to actually vocalize what we need/want from our partners? Talking about sex isn’t the same as “talking about the sex”! Great post!


  3. And it varies from act to act. Sometimes I’m a screamer and sometimes I don’t utter a sound… okay, who am I kidding? Yeah, I make at least some noise no matter what, but the volume and content changes. I think it’s just best to constantly be in communication with your partner, even afterwards. He’ll praise me or I him. Or we’ll mention it the next day or a few hours later. “That was really hot when you told me to choke you…” or whatever.


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