When it comes to sex, like so many other areas of our lives, it can be easy to use comparison as a gauge of how well we’re doing. We ask ourselves, “Am I having it as often as my friends?” “Enjoying it as much as my partner?” “As much as I used to?” but comparisons and memory can fail, so here are three ways to tell if your sex life is struggling (and how to fix it) without involving anyone else’s opinion in the equation.

1. You Don’t Feel Sexy. When you feel attractive, you’re more vibrant and have greater confidence. There’s a spark to your expression, a glow and allure that comes with “feeling” sexy.

• How to fix it: Go through your wardrobe and pick clothes that make you feel great, bringing out your best features. Take the time to look your best rather than just going through life, throwing on whatever. By presenting yourself better, even if it’s just to the mirror, you’ll feel better about how you look.

2. You Don’t Feel Wanted. This can be tied to feeling sexy, as when those around us respond in a certain way, we feel desired and attractive, and not having this response can lead to a real struggle.

• How to fix it: Talk to your partner and let him or her know that you need an amplified response. If your partner likes your new look, clothes, hair style, or whatever, remind him or her that you need to hear about it…in words, touch, action, whatever that really says you’ve got it going on. And perhaps you just need to be appreciated in a non-sexual way, by having help with running errands or by having your partner listen to you or spend quality time. Whatever it is that makes you feel wanted and appreciated, let your partner know so you can work on it, together.

3. You aren’t instigating anything. It doesn’t have to fall entirely to your partner or your wardrobe to make your sex life work. Little things like flirting, touching, and interacting in an intentional manner can start turning up the heat, even if, in the beginning, you don’t feel all that interested in sex.

• How to fix it: Sometimes, acting like you feel desirable and desiring can create the mood to where you really do start feeling something. Obviously, don’t try this if you’re overtired, have no time for things to go anywhere, or some other scheduling difficulty that will guarantee failure, but think about all the things that you do when you’re “in the mood” and then start doing them anyways and see where things go.

Whether your just not “doing it” all that often or just not feeling as much when you’re together, these three areas can help turn things around and bring back the spice and chemistry you’ve always wanted.